In the bathroom waiting impatiently, peeking over every five seconds trying not to look cause you would like to see the final lines at the end, instead of seeing the fading lines forming. Finally after the longest 3 minuets of your life you look over to a white stick with a tiny screen to see if you are pregnant or not pregnant. One of the things us women have to go through. If you have been waiting a long time to be pregnant and is so nervously excited or just plain sweaty palms thinking you are sooo not ready to have a child right now, either way it's such a nervous time in our life's and its just a simple pee test to tell us yes or no....
In the summer of 2011 I was definitely ready to be a mother, and believe me I've had my share of ohhh my gosh I'm NOT ready tests. But i was definitely ready to have a little me or little Tyson (my husband) running around.
I remember it was like yesterday i was having some symptoms of the terrible 1st trimesters. I did learn not all women get the terrible 1st tri's and you lady's i bow to you you are so lucky. For that was not on my side this time around. I was getting the tender breast and randomly nauseous the normal symptoms but of course i was always in denial. But my sister Nicole would call me everyday and say, "your pregnant, I know you are, just take a test!" I never wanted to believe it because I hate going through the waiting game and getting excited thinking of holding my first baby in my arms that me and my best friend, soul mate, my husband has made this beautiful human being, and so you hurry and look over you have the biggest smile on your face eyes wide open and da da duuuuuun you see a single line and your heart just breaks into a million pieces. So after a few trials i just would avoid the test until i was throwing up or something.
When my sister came down one day we had a girls night with my mom I had a feeling they were going to get me to take a test and i was right they went down to the store and bought me a box and told me i know you are, so just take one.. at this time my husband was out of town working and i was not sure if i should but just being so curious cause of my sister and mother, having children of their own, maybe they were right. I finally just took one because i really didn't think i was but i just wanted to show my sister and mom that i wasn't and to prove to them that they are wrong and I'm just going to start my monthly you know what.
So i took it waiting waiting waiting telling myself I'm not gonna look until its final set in stone screen. but keep peeking over every once in a while... looked over.... not getting to excited yet, staying calm this time and it reads..... POSITIVE!! i couldn't believe my eyes i started to scream and shout out to the top of my lungs and came out with tears in my eyes barley able to walk good thing my sister and mom was waiting on the other side of the door and ran in and gave me a hug tearing up with joy and laughter. was the greatest day of my life.
Such good news, but i still had to tell Tyson my husband, but he wasn't coming home for another 4 days my excitement took over and so i was trying to think of cute ways to tell him now i decided to text him pictures of baby animals and stuff randomly through out the day. after doing that for a little bit i called him and started to talk to him calmly and told him i wanted to send him a picture but i want to hear your reaction on it its a funny picture he said okay?? i sent him a picture of the test, and on the bottom it says are you ready to be a daddy? after pressing send i was starting to feel guilty and thinking i probably should have waited tell he got home and have just been me and him. I was so sure that it was going to be negative, but now I'm feeling really stupid that i even did all this on the phone i couldn't believe it but the damage was done and had to make it as exciting as i can. cause on top of all this he didn't sound like he was in a good mood i was getting nervous, he said he opened the picture and it just goes silent he says really?? i say yes are you so excited!! and he says ya he asks who are you with i told him my sister and mom know but no one else he says oh... he sounded sad that he got to miss everything on top of that he was already so home sick and that he still had 4 days to wait tell he was coming home... my heart just dropped and told him how we just decided to take it cause i was having the symptoms and i really didn't think it would be true i told him i was sorry. but i think i just stressed him out. what a beautiful exciting moment and i totally ruined it...The days went by and he got over it, So we made our first appointment. Here is another thing that is so annoying the waiting room I'm lucky my husband is a sweetheart and loves to come with me so its not as bad but they want you to be on time but why they make you wait for more then 10 min. i never got and then another wait when your actually in the room waiting for your doctor. oh well it is what it is right! So the doctor comes in and I'm so nervous, actually getting a really bad feeling about everything. She asks me a few questions and sent me into the ultrasound room. nervously waiting and watching her put everything together, she turn down the lights and she puts that horrible probe up the you know what, and moves it around, she isn't saying much and the screen isn't showing much but i never really seen this stuff before. i look over at Tyson and he is looking worried. My doctor looks at me and says i have unfortunately miscarried, your sack is still growing so your body thought you were still pregnant but there must have been some defect with the baby and your body got rid of it. I was just shocked and was looking at the screen to see if i could see anything in the sack that maybe she didn't see but nothing, my heart broke i couldn't believe it! I look over at Tyson and he was just as shocked as i was. The doctor was telling us that she was sorry and to just keep on trying keep taking your prenatal and sometimes the next baby comes pretty fast after a few months.
We go home and as we are driving home i was okay i think i was more shocked i don't think i even cried... yet... I was so glad that it was Friday and Tyson was going to be with me for the weekend. I called the family and they were very sorry we all teared up a little. That night i already started to spot and that made it even harder but i didn't even know what was to come.
It was Sunday, and Tyson had to leave for work he goes out of town and wouldn't be back until Thursday it was probably the hardest thing we both had to go through but we both had to go back to our normal life's.
That night i couldn't sleep thinking of everything, and felt really bad cramps and saw that i have been bleeding so bad i run to the bathroom to clean up and it just wouldn't stop i didn't know what to do so i ended up just staying on the toilet for a while and then jumped in the shower i swear i was going to bleed to death it was very scary. That night i believe i felt contractions and i was in so much pain i couldn't even believe it. I had no idea that this is how it was going to be and I'm sure not all women do. now thinking back i have no idea why i didn't call my mother or my husband i just felt like they would drive all the way down and wouldn't be able to do anything.. i don't know? my advice CALL someone no one should go through that alone!
The next morning i woke up and just started bawling and called in work, it has finally sunk in what has all happened and realized i have lost my baby, i thought i was being strong but I'm thinking now that i was just in a paralyzed shock.
Some time went on and i actually kept bleeding about 3 months after.. everyone said i should have had a D&C but the doctor never really said anything about it. So i just kind of just took this all and tried to stay positive about the whole thing. especially after i went to a party and saw this women ready to pop she had long straggly hair no makeup older clothes and she seemed like a nice lady but i started to smell smoke i look over at her and she was smoking a cigarette i couldn't believe my eyes right now.. here i am bleeding to death loosing something that i loved as soon as i took that test even before i got to see anything, and here she is ready to have a baby probably has a month left, and she is smoking. I wanted to go over to her and tell her what are you thinking are you kidding me!!! I went home and just cried my eyes out asking Tyson why should she deserve a baby when i have been trying for years to get pregnant and i finally have a chance and i loose it so easy after I've been so healthy not drinking, smoking, anything. Tyson gave me a tightest hug, and told me everything happens for a reason and you can learn from your trials, our baby was not developing right and it was a blessing in disguise, he was right even though i was still mad at this lady a little. But all i could do is pray that her baby will be okay and be healthy.
The most embarrassing time during all this was when i thought i was getting better and not bleeding as much i was really getting sick of wearing huge pads so i decided to start wearing tampons and thinner pads. we go to the store and out jump little ol' me out of my husbands huge truck and gushhhh out a swear at least a gallon of blood all over my new expensive jeans i was scared to move i yell for Tyson and tell him to run in and grab the biggest pads you can see i swore to myself i would never be that wife making my husband do such an embarrassing thing but he didn't mind at all he ran in. As he was the store i couldn't move or get back in the truck cause i felt like more and more was coming out but there was people walking around and I'm sure i was showing but i didn't want to get Tyson's nice truck seats, so i had to think fast. I picked up the truck floor mat and flipped it over and put it on the seat and carefully got into the big truck and sat on it and as soon as i sat down i huge puddle started to form around me it was really scaring me. Tyson jumped in he looks over at me and was so shocked but I'm sure he was glad i was smart to think of the mat to keep his truck clean. :) i know what your thinking, we probably should have went to the hospital then, i guess we were so sidetrack with everything going on. We just went home and i stood in the shower for a good hour and a half.
After everything i went through I'm okay with it now, especially after i heard one of my favorite people on youtube www.kandeej.com she says.
There is always hope around the corner and you can always learn from it, instead of turning it into a negative thing. So with all that, i hope you guys liked what i wrote and please write me if you need any help or advice. If you have gone through the same thing i have or something else. Remember to try to take it as a positive and learn from your trials and to help other people.There is beauty in some of the most difficult and painful situations, i went through something hard in your life, but what you've gone through, you will know what other people are feeling and you will be able to comfort their hurt hearts with the hurt you have gone through.
Thank you,
Heather Malone
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